Huh. It's the most I've ever weighed when not pregnant. I have 82 pounds to lose. That sure is a lot. In the past, I would have cried about it, but at this point, I feel almost outside my body. I don't know how I let it get to this point. I'm not sure when my life made the turn that brought me to this point.

I've made a seemingly infinite number of promises to myself that I would change my lifestyle and lose the weight, but they've never seemed to stick. Some of that, sure, can be credited to two pregnancies in as many years, but I also have to at least consider the fact that I haven't taken changing my lifestyle seriously.

So, no promises now. I'm just going to change my lifestyle, eating well and exercising for a year. When I get to the end of that year, I'll see where I am. If I'm unhappy with my weight because I haven't lost it, I'll consider whether or not I need medical help to get past this. If I've lost weight but am still unhappy about it, I'll seek help with why I can't forgive my own imperfections. But hopefully, I'll have lost some weight and will have changed my self-perception at the same time.

I'm not a fat acceptance advocate, but I also refuse to allow myself any longer to believe that being fat makes me a bad person. I'm certainly fat, but I'm a caring, compassionate individual who isn't valued by myself or anyone who matters based on the number on the scale. I want to be thinner, but I refuse to make promises I may be unable to keep simply so I can beat myself down more about something that is clearly difficult for me. So here goes. Your tips for healthy weight loss are welcome.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 09:22 PM | Comments (8)

First off, people of the state of Kansas: Is it absolutely necessary for you to drive 15mph slower than the speed limit (which is quite a feet in a 25 zone) when you are in front of me and I am late for work?

I haven't checked in for a few weeks. Time to face the music.

Previous weight: 186
Current weight: 185
Pounds to goal weight: 45

I've actually been at 185 for a couple of weeks now. I can't seem to break the barrier. (Really?, says Cagey. I find it shocking that you can't lose weight. I saw what you had for lunch today. Carne asada fries...mmmm.)

I'm having a bit of a difficult time right now. Alliclaus is beginning to show some signs that toddlerhood is on the way. School is already beginning to stress me out (and I don't start for three weeks). Andrés and I are going through a rough patch. And I am your textbook emotional eater.

It's time, though, for me to kick restart this weight loss. So, starting today, no cheating. None. I will not cheat this week. Also, I need to get back into exercising in the evenings once Alliclaus goes to bed. Andrés has been home in the evenings more frequently than he used to be and I've let that change my routine. No more. There will be exercise happening.

Also, I believe I am going to stay off the scale for a few weeks. I'll still check in on Wednesdays with my diet and exercise progress, but every time I've worked hard and haven't seen results, I've commemorated that disappointment with ice cream. Or an entire bag of chips. Or a three-day binge. So I need to give myself time to see results.

But, oooh, I ordered a new laptop a couple of days ago. I'm so happy. I can slack off and blog in class like the rest of my classmates. If only I had it this semester, when I had a professor who couldn't lecture on topic if his life depended on it.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 04:07 PM | Comments (10)

Dude, nothing says resurrection of the dead like Honeybaked Ham. Unless it's Marie Callendar's Coconut Cream Pie. (Dude, when did they start making a frozen version? When I was pregnant, this was all I craved and since there wasn't a Marie Callendar's until Oklahoma, I just cried. Poor Andiclaus.)

Anyway, I gained a pound over the first week of Easter, because you cannot throw perfectly good pie away. Psh.

We have made a triumphant return, though, and have been counting those damn points like it's going out of style.

Last week's weight: 190
Current weight: 186
Pounds to goal weight: 46

We've found that beans and rice make a very filling and delicious (and cheap) starting point for a meal. (By we, I mean Andiclaus and I. Don't even get me started on his weight loss. I'm sure he's lost, like, 100 pounds by now because that's just how we do here.)

I've dropped almost two pants sizes this week. This is exciting and also a little distressing. I will be running out of clothes soon and I really don't feel like buying a bunch of in-between clothes. I'm sure I'll figure it out as I go.

Sarah's doing really well with WW, too, and we're thinking about setting up a little side blog action to get a bit more nitty-gritty with the dieting talk.

And, OMG, did you see that Frema is pregnant? Yes? Okay, good. My blog policy is such that even though I've known for days about this wonderful news, I have yet to shoot her a comment or an email. That's just the kind of blog friend I am. Frema, consider this my congratulations!

Posted by Bethiclaus at 01:17 PM | Comments (8)

After reading Frema's adventures in weight loss (and, also, if you are not reading Tragic Love Friday, I don't know what's wrong with you), I decided that perhaps a bit of Internet accountability is exactly what I need. From here on out, every Wednesday I will be checking in with you guys and letting you know how goes the weight loss.

So, here's my before picture:

Okay, just kidding. Although that is the absolute heaviest I have ever been. (Also, looking at that picture? I don't know that I want any more babies.)

I don't really have a good picture of what I looked like when I started this whole thing.

When I got pregnant with Alliclaus, I weighed 200 pounds, which was the heaviest I had ever been. I got up to 225 in that picture up there, but was down to 200 again a week later. But I didn't have the awesome weight loss I hear moms talk about with breastfeeding. I just kind of maintained.

I lost some weight in late 2006 doing Slim Fast for a work project, but I gained that back pretty quickly, so I am starting again.

Starting weight: 195
Curent weight: 189
Pounds to goal weight: 49

All of you said Weight Watchers, so to Weight Watchers I went. So far, it's going really well. I cheated quite a lot the first week (I always struggle with the dramatic reduction in calories at the beginning of any diet), but still lost weight. I'm guessing a lot of it this week was water retention, so we'll se how it goes from here on out.

I was going to try to start exercising today, but while carrying Alliclaus up the stairs for her nap, I missed a step and fell down the stairs. Alliclaus appears to be fine. I, however, feel like I was hit by a truck.

Book review tonight if I can bear to sit at the computer again for any length of time.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 10:19 AM | Comments (11)

Whenever I don't blog for awhile, I really feel obligated to come up with some major excuse or at least an awesome blog post when I come back. I don't have one. I've been stressed about life in general and it has led to my inevitable and unannounced blog hiatus.

I kept reading while I was gone and even commented (but not very frequently). You guys are having great adventures. I love to read about them.

Anyway, while I've been gone, Alliclaus turned one. Apparently, it's true. Time waits for no man.

It's been okay and I'm going to write about it (relatively) soon. In the mean time, you can check out the pictures from the awesome Ladybug Party. While I know you all think Alliclaus is supercute, please also notice the awesomeness that are the refreshments. Rebecca photographed them and now I feel like I could cook for a living. Check it out. As always, Rebecca comes highly recommended (by me!) for any Kansas City area families.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 07:44 AM | Comments (8)

I hate dieting. I hate "eating plans." I hate "lifestyle changes." I hate the whole thing. What I don't hate? Carne asada. French fries. Sour cream (full fat, for the love of God). Cheese.

Anyway, one of my New Year's resolutions was to lose a fairly significant amount of weight. And really it wasn't so much of a New Year's resolution, since I started losing the weight in October. Turns out? I don't know if I want to lose the weight this bad.

I freaking like food. I don't want to think of it as fuel.

And my husband's Mexican. Food is celebration, not fuel. I just have no desire (not even a shred) to think about which foods will provide me with energy while not turning into more ass fat. What I want to think about when I'm considering my meal is smell, flavor, texture.

AAAH!

I didn't realize how frustrated I was about this whole thing until I sat down to write this entry. I'm having trouble even coming up with words to describe what's bugging me.

Here's the thing: I lost the first fifteen pounds on a diet that I don't consider to be particularly healthy (rhymes with Swim-Last), but it apparently worked. But I didn't eat anything that appears in nature. I ate "health" bars two meals a day and a teeny, tiny frozen meal. That was it.

I can't COPE!

Now please, I'm not looking for you to tell me what's wrong with this diet. (I'm looking at you, Sarah!) I know that it isn't teaching me how to eat for a lifetime. Blah, blah, blah. I just don't know if my pre-college body is worth the bullshit.

Anyway, a few of you are also losing weight out there. Andi Pandi and I have similar weight loss goals. Sarah and Memo are losing weight. I'm trying to keep motivated. Andi Pandi and Memo are both doing Weight Watchers, so I guess I'll consider it. I just don't know how I can really drag myself to meetings. Can Alliclaus come?

Also, exercise. WTF? I really want to. But with Andiclaus and I working opposite shifts, there are only two days a week I can make it to the gym. I wonder how many months of my (never-being-used) gym membership it would cost me to put a treadmill in the house?

Anyway, if you're losing weight, I'd love to hear about it.

The only thing I am currently doing right: I drink water. And that's it. Okay, not really. I also drink unsweetened tea. But I gave up soda and juice and creamy coffee. That oughta be worth some calories, right?

Wow. This entry is a total brain dump. Oh, well. Classes start in four days. I've got reading to do.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 09:30 AM | Comments (15)

We had an awesome Thanksgiving dinner this afternoon. I made everything except the asparagus, so I feel pretty accomplished today.

Our Menu:
Turkey with Potatoes, Carrots and Onions
Mashed Potatoes (a la Good Eats)
Stuffing (from a bag)
Candied Yams with Marshmallows (not for me - thanks, though)
Asparagus
Pumpkin Empanadas
Cranberry-Pear Pie

Everything was yummy. We put Alliclaus to bed and I had a couple of grown-up beverages, so I'm not entirely clearheaded for posting tonight.

I'll try to post some pictures tomorrow, since Joshiclaus and Auntie Sarah are in town.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 09:22 PM | Comments (4)

Jessie from Mrs. Ca asks, "What was your favorite food growing up? What is your favorite food now?"

(I have not forgotten Chatty Cricket's last question. I simply need time to take pictures for a full explanation.)

I am having a love/hate relationship with food right now, so to call any food my favorite is really to say that it is my mortal enemy. However, my favorite foods currently are:

Double Double Animal Style from In-N-Out Burger (Soutwest represent!)
California Burrito from Lolita's Taco Shop (Patience is the Essence of Fine Mexican Food)
Chili Cheese Tots from Sonic (Damn you, Sonic!)

As you can see, there is nothing remotely healthy on that list. In the healthy food category, I enjoy:

Nothing.

No, just kidding.

I love spinach (which I hated as a child). I was very sad with the whole E. coli scare, because I literally eat spinach out of a bag every day. I love vegetable soup, but I don't do mushrooms. I love homemade Mexican food, because Andiclaus makes it SO GOOD. Mmmm. Enchiladas. Honey, could you work on that, please?

When I was a kid, I was extremely picky. Truth be told, I'm pretty picky now, but I'm really working on expanding my palate. As a kid, I liked pizza, hamburgers, mashed potatoes, spaghetti and I think that is it. It's hard to believe that I grew up in San Diego and didn't really develop a love of Mexican food until I was in high school. My parents both hate cilantro, so I think I just didn't eat very much Mexican growing up.

Now I'm hungry. Damn you, Mrs. Ca!!!! :)

Posted by Bethiclaus at 09:56 AM | Comments (3)

So, I've started eating healthier. Which is not hard, seeing as I pretty much ate garbage before. But when you've been eating junk for years, real food? It doesn't taste right. And it sure is a lot of work.

I'm on a very specific eating plan, but I'm not calling it a diet. I prefer to think of it as an introduction to food. My body has completely forgotten the difference between not full and starving to death. I'm now trying to beat it back into submission.

I've said before that I have a slow metabolism. But I started to journal what I was eating. Holy crap! With the number of calories I was consuming, it's really remarkable I wasn't the size of a house. (Maybe a studio, but definitely not a house!)

The problem is that although I am eating six times a day, I honestly feel like I am starving between those meals. I know that this is ridiculous, because I'm still consuming more than 2000 calories a day. (At my weight, if I cut down to less than that right away, I would most likely quit. Also, kill someone.)

For a long time, I was trying to eat healthier so that I could be thin. Everytime I did that, I failed miserably. But I really want to set a good example for Alliclaus. I went to the dentist (of whom I am very scared), I'm making Andiclaus go get a physical, I'm turning off the TV and reading a book. This is just one more area where I want Alliclaus to see a healthy example.

I keep looking at her picture on my desk and reminding myself that she is more precious to me than those damn chocolate donuts in the vending machine down the hall.

But I'm so hungry!

Posted by Bethiclaus at 08:40 AM | Comments (10)

I am having an affair. With a food nerd. We see each other everyday. At least I see him.

I'm a completely in love with Alton Brown.

Do you watch the Food Network? Have you seen his new show?

I like Feasting on Asphalt and I love Iron Chef: America, but really? Alton is my lovah because of Good Eats.

He tells me the science of how food works. It's super sexy.

Okay. I fessed up. Who's your nerd lovah?

Posted by Bethiclaus at 09:21 AM | Comments (12)

There's been a lot of talk lately among the mommybloggers about the effects of pregnancy on our bodies. When I read these entries, I always feel a little shallow. These women are proud of the way their bodies have changed, as it is evidence of the miracle that has occurred.

Don't get me wrong. I love Alliclaus and wouldn't trade her for perkier boobs or a flatter stomach. Still...

I have a mom body now. My stretch marks will fade, but some of them are as wide as my fingers. My hips have spread. Basically, my whole body is just squishy now.

Ask anyone. Squishy is not the way people want their physiques described.

I'm sure that a lot of the frustration can be linked to the fact that I was seriously overweight even before I was pregnant. I can't blame the pregnancy for my fat since I weigh less now than I did before Alliclaus.

So the day is coming (soon!) when I will be starting a diet and exercise program. I've never been very good at sticking with this kind of thing. Hopefully, this time will be different. I really want to set a good example for Alliclaus.

Being a hot mom wouldn't be bad either.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 01:12 PM | Comments (5)

We went grocery shopping yesterday. Because I was considering making smoothies (to beat the heat), we bought a bunch of bananas. They were still green.

By the time I got home from work today, the bananas were practically bread-ready.

What is this? Is there only a twenty minute window when the bananas are ripe but not brown? And if so, why are all pictures of bananas yellow?

In spite of these queries, I ate one. It was delicious.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 06:08 PM | Comments (3)