When Andrés and I moved to Kansas City from San Diego, we had every intention that we would move back to San Diego in three years. We had no sense that we would have two children in our time here and also couldn't know how that would extend our time here. We've signed a six month extension to our current lease, so we now have a pretty good sense that we'll be leaving at the end of July. I've wanted to move near family for so long, it was easy to ignore the things that I've come to love about Kansas City. Here's a sampling.

• Andrés and I only lived together in San Diego for eight months. Kansas City is home for us as a family in a way that San Diego really wasn't.
• My aunt and uncle (who are campaigning for Phoenix to be our future home) are definitely using temperate weather as a major motivation. But this is the best time of year here. It's crisp and cold, but there are clear skies and beautiful colors. If we move to Phoenix or San Diego, the Fall colors will be a thing of our memories. I almost pulled over when I started crying the other day driving down State Line. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving it all behind.
• I know that our memories will go with us wherever we move, but the thought of leaving behind the places where Alli and Mimi said their first words or took their first steps is quite sad for me.

Of course, the people are what we'll miss most. There are surely more people we'll miss than I could possibly list here, but here's a few.

• Rebecca: Just Friday, I told her that it seemed crazy to come all the way back to Kansas City just for our family pictures. Of course, she joked that she didn't think it was crazy at all. It's a small thing, I suppose, to find a new family photographer, but Rebecca's known our family since it was just the two of us. It will be hard to say goodbye.
• My obstetrician, whose name I won't write here, because that's just weird: I'm sure if Andrés and I decide to have another baby, I will be able to find a perfectly suitable OB in another city. But I kind of love the one I already have. (Can you tell that I maybe don't so much like change?)
• My mom friends: I can still remember how nervous I was when Cagey invited me to meet her. I'm completely socially inept, but she made me feel welcome with her and among her friends. The moms I met with her are the first mom friends I ever had. When I felt alone, they made me feel like I had a community. And since I am so slow to make friends, it will be a big loss for me to leave that behind.
• My church: We visited exactly one church when we moved to Kansas City. We were fortunate to have friends who were already living here who brought us to the church I've spent my life looking for. I know there are other churches. I am convinced that if we move to another city, we will be able to find a church where we can serve and be served. But I am perhaps most desperately sad to leave our church family when we move. Though we don't have close personal friendships with many of the congregants, we have felt the support through two difficult pregnancies and especially in these last months when our attendance has been spotty at best. (I'm sure entire posts could be written on this point alone. Perhaps they will be as our move comes closer.)

The move is still nine months away, but having a date in our minds makes the whole thing seem so real. I know that being close to family again will make these sacrifices worth it, but I'm surprised at how sad I feel about the prospect of leaving what has become my home.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 07:40 PM | Comments (0)

Im having a bit of trouble lately with my work/school/homework/housework/life balance. Why I chose now to commit to daily blogging is beyond me. I guess maybe I hoped that a writing discipline might help me focus my energy and allow me to explore the reasons I'm struggling this way.

In any case, I had a very busy day. We took the girls to church. We essentially had a prayer service this morning, where an hour of the service was spent in individual prayer. I have to admit, I have prayer ADD. This is the kind of thing that makes me cringe when I hear "spiritual, but not religious." Because I am decidedly religious, but not so much spiritual. I did my very best to stay focused during prayer, but spent a lot of time reading the Bible in an attempt to at least not start thinking about completely unrelated things. I'm sure it's a good practice for me, though, so I will look forward to our next opportunity to spend that time in silent prayer.

When we got home, I made lunch, then got the girls down for their naps. Once they were down, I left Andrés with them while I went to the public library to get some books for a research project I'm preparing to write. For the first time since I was a child, I applied for a library card. It was pretty exciting. I came home with plenty of research material and some not-really-leisure-but-also-not-for-an-assignment reading.

When I came home, I made coconut, chocolate chip, oatmeal cookies for Andrés, who was spoiled by them while my mom was in town. Now I must avoid the cookies like the plague.

I also did about six loads of laundry and did the always dreaded try-to-find-all-the-clothes-the-baby-has-grown-out-of-so-that-you-can-put-them-away-for-good dance. I'm sure as soon as I send Andrés out to storage with the bins of outgrown clothes, I'll find twenty 3-6 month onesies, but for now I'm pretending I've found them all and stowed them away.

What I didn't do was write my thesis proposal. (Why, you may be asking yourself, would anyone write a thesis proposal if they weren't intending to write a thesis? This would be a good question. But my degree program is sadistic and requires even non thesis writers to take Thesis 1.) It's due tomorrow, so I suppose I'll have to try to get it done between morning and evening classes.

Let it not be said, however, that Andrés doesn't help around here. He helped get the girls dressed and down for nap. He took clean laundry to the bedroom so I could deal with it there later. He ate cookies. He even helped put away clothes, a chore he hates completely and for which he generally lets me be responsible.

He starts his job on Wednesday and may be leaving me (alone!) with my children for a week(!) as soon as next week. What will I do when that happens? Will I be able to maintain the blog? Will my homework get done? Will the children go feral? Stay tuned to find out!

Posted by Bethiclaus at 09:13 PM | Comments (1)

I've been gone for awhile. Things have been less than good around here. Andrés' store closes today and we have every expectation that he will be unemployed tomorrow afternoon. While we are fortunate that he is being pretty heavily recruited by another company, we found out early this week that my company is going to be making a 33% labor reduction mid-month in November. Even if a job is still available for me, Andrés' new job may prevent me from keeping my current position. It's all very stressful.

In the past, things have always worked themselves out for us. We've always managed to get by, even when things were rough. But we haven't been in any of these situations since Alliclaus was born. It's a whole hell of a lot scarier staring down the barrel at unemployment with two children who need to be supported.

I haven't really known what to say because I've mostly had negative things to say about everything and I didn't feel like it would be a smart move on my part to air all that ickiness on the Internet. But there have been some great things, too, and I really want to get myself into a place where I can focus on that. So I think I'm going to attempt to take a page from Cagey's book and try to make this blog a bit of a happy place. With that in mind, some things that are great.

• Mimiclaus said "dada." This is happy not only because it's always exciting to hear a baby start talking, but because Mimiclaus failed her newborn hearing screening. While she has since passed most portions of the hearing screenings they do on babies her age, the only thing left to do is wait to see how her communication develops. It certainly eases the mind even more to hear her language skills in action.
• Alliclaus has decided that she "loves Baback Obama." Any time he's on television (or really any time McCain is on television either) she says it. I don't know where she got that. While I will certainly be voting for Barack Obama, I've never professed my love for him, since I don't particularly feel that way.
• One of Andres' (former) employees, who used to work at the daycare center where the girls currently attend, will only be working mornings at her new store, and she has volunteered to watch the girls (for free! or cheap!) if we need the help. Finding appropriate childcare has been one of our greatest struggles since we've had Alliclaus, and this is a girl we both feel we can trust. It is a welcome change.

So the list doesn't include a winning lottery ticket or great job opportunities, but there are great things happening and more looming on the horizon. The girls are a joy to be around lately and we're still getting by. I hope things are going as well for you. I really don't know that I could ask for more.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 04:46 PM | Comments (3)

Shortly before we left for San Diego and Josue and Sarah's wedding, Andres received some distressing news about his job. And since I am disinclined to go into specifics about his employment situation on the Internet, I will have to leave it at simply that his company is undergoing a major downsize and that his job will possibly be affected. He may keep his job, but we may have to relocate in order for him to do so. Or he may simply be severed. In either case, we know something is coming, but we don't know what and we aren't sure when. It has been, needless to say, a stressful couple of weeks.

I have two semesters of school left, only one of which requires me to continue living in Kansas City. So when our lease is up in January, it would be an ideal time to move if the job situation remains rocky or we decide to leave the company. But in the mean time, we're in planning limbo.

To add to the complication of our inability to make a plan at this point is the fact that our trip home for the wedding really confused our feelings about a future city in which to settle. We'd been pretty set on Chicago, but had recently begun considering other major cities, namely Boston, Seattle and San Francisco. But San Diego offers something that no other city really offers. Help with our kids. Not in the "free babysitting" sense, although that is certainly there as well. But just a genuine sense that there are people there who love our children and are eager to care for them. In some ways, Chicago has a bit of that. But Sarah and Josue are very career-oriented and, truth be told, while it would be nice to leave the girls with them and go out on a date, we would more likely spend our time trying to find a babysitter so we could go out with them.

When we first moved to Kansas City, I was desperately lonely. Over time, though, I have filled my time (mostly with children, I confess), but I didn't realize how much I missed the support of geographically close family until this trip home. There are hundreds of reasons why moving back is less than ideal, but none of them seem to be able to surpass the one reason it seems perfect. We miss our family.

In some ways, it seems like it would be simple to just decide that San Diego is where we should move. But beyond the practical reasons not to (the high cost of living, the family drama that comes with living nearby), Andres and I are struggling with the idea of moving away from Josue and Sarah. While we don't live in the same city now, we see each other many times a year, because traveling back and forth Kansas City to Chicago is sure as hell cheaper than flying to San Diego and back. Moving to San Diego ensures that we would see them only a couple times of year at best and when they come to San Diego, we are far from being the primary people they want to visit. Being the Midwest branch of our family has made us all closer than we might have been had only some of us been out here. And I know Andres feels the same reservations I do about losing that particular aspect of family life.

All that to say, I've been stressed. And a blank entry page was daunting. I still don't know that I'll be able to come up with blog posts that aren't about Andres' work, since that's a lot of what's on our minds these days, but I think I'm going to try to process the other things going on with me (there are other things?) here so that I don't look back on this time and wonder what the hell was going on.

Your reward for reading all that? Pictures!

Alliclaus' pigtails with my Dad

She seems happy here, but moments later a fly dared to be in the outdoors near her and we had a complete meltdown.

We went to the San Diego Zoo and there were lots of grey baby flamingoes. I love them!

This guy was awesome! He did this pose at least a dozen times while we stood outside the enclosure. I'm bummed about the glare I got off the glass.

Alliclaus was very excited about the ocean - not so much the sand.

During the rehearsal brunch, Andres kept Alliclaus happy with crayons...

...while Josue spent some quality time with Mimiclaus.

Sarah's jewelry, which her aunt handmade for the wedding, was much more stunning in person.

Oh, look! Here it is from the back!

The guys stole my camera at some point and I promised I would post to the Internet anything they left on there, sure they would leave embarrassing pictures they would be ashamed for the Internet to see. Instead, the left a decent picture of Andres' old fraternity brothers. Things have certainly changed since college.

Well, not that much.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 08:48 PM | Comments (5)

When I posted my first edition of Nerd Lust, Sarah and I spent extensive time talking about our various nerd lovahs. Our husbands have a good deal of difficulty identifying who can qualify as a nerd lovah, and I guess I can understand that. While there are many men in the media who are pretty nerdy (and not really, really, ridicuolously good-looking), there are VERY few women who fit the bill. We mostly told them that there options were women politicians (though not all of them). Sarah and I waxed back and forth about who our newscaster nerd lovahs were. When it comes to funny men pundits, we disagreed. She's a Stewart, I'm a Colbert. (I think they both are probably too pretty to qualify as nerd lovahs - although Sarah's original choice for news nerd lovah, Anderson Cooper, is so pretty I couldn't believe she would even consider it.) When it came to the straight news though, we found that we were participating in a nerd lust triangle. We both only had eyes for Tim Russert.

In high school, I couldn't have cared less about politics. When I got to undergrad, I realized that my deep concern about justice for the poor was perhaps not best exercised in the political field, but that learning about politicians, voting responsibly and communicating with my representatives were certainly on the list of ways to make small changes that I believed were important. Watching Meet the Press informed my understanding of the political world, perhaps more than any single influence should. I'm not a fan of television news in general. I get most of my news from the Internet. But I trusted Tim Russert. Meet the Press was the first show that I put on my DVR. In the days before it, I would be lying if I said that I didn't occasionally miss church because I was so involved with Tim's interview.

I was devastated when I learned of Russert's passing. I watched Meet the Press late last night with a box of Kleenex. It was a lovely tribute to Russert. I will miss his moderation of Meet the Press deeply. I want to believe that Russert's legacy will be the number of people in my generation who became politically active because of his consistent, reliable work in political journalism. He will be missed, but his life certainly falls into the category of short but full.

I wish I had sent a fan letter, though that seems like a kind of crazy thing to do. Instead, I will have to simply think a "thank you" to him, for my increased knowledge and passion because of his work.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 08:07 AM | Comments (3)

Updated: To clarify, and so that Andiclaus doesn't end up hating ALL of my blog readers, I kind of like the name Klaus. I just don't know that it's a good idea with a Spanish surname. And my blog title, and all.

I've mentioned here before that Alliclaus' name is Spanish. We had three girl names picked out when we had her, though her given name was always the favorite.

Anyway, we had a very difficult time picking out boy names. Like, we never picked one. Luckily, it didn't matter. I'm of the opinion that it probably won't ever matter. I think we'll just have more girls. Andrés, however, is not convinced. He really wants a boy.

His favorite boy name? Klaus. I asked him if he wanted to name a baby Nicolas and just call him Klaus, but no. He wants to name the baby Klaus.

Here are things about which I would enjoy your input.

• Alliclaus' name and all other girl names we like are Spanish. And not like, kind of Spanish, like Maria or Eva. We're talking white people watch out Spanish. Can you really name your son a German name after that? Incidentally, we have friends who named their son Dietrich, so a German name is not weird to us. They are also considering combining it with what I would consider Spanish names for future girl children.


• Spanish surname. Check on the couple mentioned previously. But for us? We went out of our way to give Alliclaus a first name that sounded, I don't know, normal with her surname. Should we do the same for a son?


• There's not much of a "k" in Spanish. We try (and frequently fail) to speak Spanish and English equally at home. Is this "k" thing even an issue?


• Most importantly, Klausiclaus? Really?

As I've said, we won't be getting pregnant any time in the near future. But Andrés and I spent a good deal of time talking about this yesterday, and I had to bring it to the Internet. After all, if you can't trust anonymous people you wouldn't know on the street, who can you trust?

Posted by Bethiclaus at 10:42 AM | Comments (8)

Back in March or April, Andrés and I decided that our plan to have a second baby when Alliclaus turned two was not a wise decision. I had, prior to that point, thought that my employer would be bringing me on full-time (20 at work and 20 at home) and that I would, therefore, be fully covered for a second pregnancy.

Well, that kind of fell through and we decided that it would be better to wait. After all, my employer's still toying with the idea. I'd hate to get benefits around week 20 and not be covered for the pregnancy.

It's the right decision. There was even a little part of me that was relieved. After all, it isn't as though my first pregnancy was easy. And Alliclaus is in a weird stage right now. And financial stuff could be easier.

This is what I keep telling myself.

The truth is, though, that the closer I get to July (when we had planned to start trying), the sadder I feel about the decision. And I'm not really sure why.

If you see me blogging about babies, don't jump the gun. I promise I'll tell you when we're actually pregnant, and it won't be for awhile. Until then, I'll just be daydreaming.

By the way, how late in a pregnancy can you fly? Sarah's wedding is next July. When's my drop-dead date to conceive and still be able to make it to San Diego?

Obsessing? Perhaps.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 10:37 AM | Comments (4)

When I was a sophomore in college, I worked as a dinner hostess at a hotel restaurant. The same servers and dining room attendants worked with me day in and day out and we came to be a snarky little family.

I was taking Introduction to Philosophy at the time and world read at the podium during my downtime. I hadn't yet declared a religion major. One day, I was reading Nietzsche's Twilight of the Idols and one of the servers asked me about it. I probably told him a bunch of incorrect information about Nietzsche, but I am fairly certain that I did include that Nietzsche was an atheist. He asked about why I was reading it and I probably said something aobut Christians being aware of other perspectives.

"You're a Christian? Wow! I never would have guessed that!"

It cut me to the core. I was attending an evangelical university. While the religion faculty was predominantly progressive, the rest of the faculty and the student body were not. There could be no greater criticism than that you weren't being "salt and light."

I went home and cried that night, believing I was somehow not enough. I swore that I would do things differently and that people would know who I was.

Fast forward: I earned a B.A. in Philosophy and Theology. I started seminary. I made my career path be about knowing the story of the church and living like Jesus. I attend church every week. I baptized my infant daughter. I am religious.

But I no longer live at that small evangelical university. And the greatest criticism is no longer not being salt and light. Instead, I am accused of participating in groupthink or the inability to make critical decisions independently.

My faith is obtrusive in my life and my relationships. Were it not, I doubt I would have any friends at all. You see, I wasn't a particularly nice person before I found someone to follow. I was a gossip and extremely self-serving.

But I do not go about "witnessing" to people. I don't invite all my friends to come to church. I believe that my friends and acquaintances who don't have a faith, or who have a faith but not a community feel that I am friendly and loving to them. I hope that they never feel judged by me. I do not think that my way is the only right way to live.

All that to say, there was an incident at playgroup this week. One of the newer moms to the group discovered that I was a seminarian. She asked if I was studying to be a priest and I told her that no, I was hoping to be a professor of comparative religions.

"So you're not...religious?"

I tried to explain to her that I don't watch the 700 Club and that Jerry Falwell doesn't speak for me, but apparently that wasn't what she meant.

"But you go to church?"

"Well, yes. I go to church."

She told me it was strange that someone who understands the similarities and differences in the world's religions would subscribe to any one of them. And she seemed kind of bothered that I was religious. She went on to tell me that she was spiritual, but not religious. (I must admit, that statement kind of makes my ears bleed, not because I don't think it's possible, but because I think it's trite and gives "religious" a negative connotation, but I digress.)

Then she told everyone that they can lie on their taxes and claim they give money to the church for a deduction because apparently the IRS can't check that information up to a certain dollar amount. That part kind of made me uncomfortable, but I tried not to let it show.

I don't really invest energy into worrying about whether or not my acquaintances have a faith community. I am sure that they are making the best possible decisions for their families. I don't think it is so much to ask for the same consideration. I am an intelligent and kind person and being a believer does not negate that.

Virtually all the blogs I read are written by people who are explicitly "not religious." My friends and co-workers attend church on holidays at most. My best friend won't self-identify as a Christian in spite of weekly attendance and membership in a church.

No one is obligated to share my faith. I have never said to anyone, "Wow! You say you believe in God. It seems kind of strange to me that you hoarde your wealth and live an individualist life." I don't assume I know anything about you simply because you don't attend church. Please don't assume you can paint me with your broad "religious" paintbrush.

Note: This is not a forum for blasting this woman. She is very sweet and I am certain it was not her intention to offend. I've just needed to write about this for awhile and this seems to be the catalyst.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 09:49 AM | Comments (6)

You may have noticed that I've been MIA for awhile. Probably not, since it seems like almost everyone uses some kind of feed reader to read the blogs these days. I've only been posting book reviews for a couple of weeks, but I think I'll be back to a regular posting type thingie now.

It's been a rather eventful couple of weeks, but at the end of it all, nothing's really changed.

When life gets stressful (like that time when I was pregnant), I tend to stop posting. I'm a very pronounced introvert, so when the going gets tough, I get increasingly introspective. Things have been crazy around here, what with possible job changes and cross-country moves, but in the end, it looks like we'll be here in Kansas City a little longer.

So, what do you really come here for? Baby snaps.

Andrés' mom got Alliclaus this dress and coat for Christmas. I love it, but it's kind of dressy for everyday. So we put her in it to take pictures and go to church.

She hasn't done this face since she was a teeny newborn. Until last week. It is making a reappearance.

Alliclaus recently learned what a tongue is. She now feels it necessary to teach us.

Salem says hi. He also says, "I dare you to bring another baby home. You think pissing on your laundry is bad? Wait until you see what else I have up my sleeve!"

Alliclaus says "Pttttthfttttt!"

Posted by Bethiclaus at 07:51 PM | Comments (9)

Well, it's kind of late to just be getting my New Year's resolutions nailed down, but I wrote them last week and then wanted some time to look over them and see how I felt about them.

I'll be turning 26 this year, so 26 resolutions seemed appropriate. Here they are, in no particular order.

• Run a 5K. (I don't run at all, so this is huge for me. Much training will be required.)
• Reach my goal weight of 140 pounds by July 4.
• Finish my 2007 reading list on time.
• Complete all school assignments without requesting extensions.
• Take more photgraphs. ('Cause we got a rockin' new camera for Christmas.)
• Commit to a bedtime routine for Alliclaus and stick to it.
• Commit to a house-cleaning schedule and stick to it.
• Post at least five times weekly.
• Family dinner at least once weekly. (Since Andiclaus and I work opposite shifts, this is more difficult than it sounds.)
• Visit a museum with Alliclaus at least once monthly.
• Let Andiclaus pick our movies. (I always think the movies he picks are going to suck, then they end up being my favorites. I'm such a bitch.)
• Visit a new restaurant at least once monthly.
• Birthday and anniversary cards for family and friends.
• 25 comments per week on other people's blogs. (What? That's a lot for me. Since my average is zero.)
• Actively work to improve my Spanish. (Suggestions, anyone?)
• Learn to knit.
• Learn to play guitar.
• Attend Sunday school.
• One load of laundry daily. (If we can ever get our damn washer fixed.)
• Try new recipe at least once monthly.
• Makeup on work days. (So far, not so good.)
• Get Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving.
• Find a way to make enough money from home to quit my job.
• Attend as many wedding-related things for Sarah as is humanly possible. (Should be easy to do this year, since the wedding isn't until Summer of 2008.)
• Occassionally turn to my mother-in-law for parenting advice. (I figured I should put at least one on my list that was highly challenging for me.)
• Some type of memory something-or-other for Alliclaus' first birthday. (In case she thinks my blog isn't enough.)

So that's it. I'll probably do quarterly or thereabouts updates to see how we're doing. I've been reading y'alls' resolutions. If you haven't already posted yours, what are they?

Posted by Bethiclaus at 06:18 PM | Comments (10)

For weeks, Andiclaus has been stressed about our return to California for the holiday. And I've been floating on a cloud. We're going home, after all. Where I get to see Naomi and JR, where Sarah and I can eat Lolitas and Slurpees (which is the way all true Chula Vistans eat Lolitas), where Grandma makes dinner and I don't have to do anything to help unless I want to. Which, of course, I do. I'm making pie and empanadas.

But in the last few days, I've started to wake up. We're going to California. The place where all our drama resides. Out here in KC, so far away from family and friends, we remain outside the storm. Sure, we occasionally hear about some thing or other that is making someone hurt/sad/angry/homicidal, but we don't generally get dragged into the thick of it. It's calm.

Add a baby trying to recover from the two-hour time change and I feel we have a recipe for disaster.

How do I explain to Alliclaus' aunts and grandmother that she doesn't actually want to be held by them. Surely they all remember the separation anxiety their children felt...except. Do they? If this is the only time they'll see her in the next year, is separation anxiety going to seem like a good enough excuse for the screaming that ensues if I take my eyes off her for one minute while someone else holds her?

To add to the stress, the day we're in Los Angeles with Andiclaus' family, we'll be spending the entire day at his childhood home. It is a two-bedroom home with a couple of makeshift attic bedrooms as well. There will be all six children, plus five spouses, plus nine grandchildren and possibly two other guests there. It should be a packed house and I don't think I can count on Alliclaus to take a nap there.

I thought we were going to be celebrating at Andiclaus' sister's house, where there is a guest bedroom to which I could shut the door and let Alliclaus sleep. But I just don't know how it's going to work. Additionally, evenings at Andiclaus' home usually go pretty late if everyone's there. By 5:00, Alliclaus is going to feel like it's bedtime. And while I'm willing to keep her up until 7:00 to try to get her adapted to the time change, I don't think she'll last any longer.

With Sarah and Josué getting married, it brings up all kinds of other feelings for me. The months leading up to my wedding were not happy ones. Andiclaus' large family takes a long time to warm up to someone. So my feelings are divided about the excitement of the wedding. For the most part, I want Sarah's experience to be entirely different than mine was. I want them to immediately accept her as part of the family. I want them to support the decisions they make together, recognizing that they are adults and that they really do know what's best for their family. But there is a small, very petty part of me. Why should it be so easy for them? Why did I have to work so hard for it?

Wow. I'm a total bitch. Not really a surprise, though.

Oh well. I have another baby blanket done, so I'll try to post it tomorrow. It isn't for a blogger, but it is very, very pretty. Also, two scarves. They're Christmas presents, but we'll put them up anyway, huh? People can guess what's for whom, I suppose.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 07:30 AM | Comments (10)

Due to Andiclaus' (pseudo) recent promotion and a strong showing for his company, our little quarterly stock investment was stronger than usual.

It looks like we'll be flying to Chicago instead of driving (yuck!) the end of this month. I'm hoping we'll be able to buy the tickets this weekend and then I will start to feel the excitement of actually going! Until you buy the tickets, it always feels like there's a chance you can bail out at the last minute. Now, we will officially be going! I'm so excited!

I am trying to figure out the sleeping situation. Joshiclaus usually lets us sleep in his bed (because he is SO nice), but last time we went, Alliclaus could still just sleep in her carset. That's not going to work this time. Andiclaus feels fine with her just sleeping in bed with us (mostly because he doesn't want to have to carry the Pack N Play - and really who could blame him?), but we finally have a good sleep situation going and I don't want to destroy it.

Oh well. It will be totally worth it to hang out with Sarah. She's been so busy lately (she has two jobs - she's such a grown-up) that we haven't really had a chance to talk.

Oh, I haven't forgotten about the questions below. It's simply that the one that's there right now will require some thought before I answer it. So go leave others for me. Maybe some that don't have me coming out as the skank I was in undergrad. Thanks!

Posted by Bethiclaus at 08:53 AM | Comments (2)

I've been avoiding writing this entry for awhile. I'm not even really sure why. You never know what the comments might bring, I suppose. Even non-troll commenters can sometimes disagree so vehemently, you feel attacked. But today I felt like I needed to get it out of my brain and onto paper. Or the Internet.

I knew that I wanted to have kids while I was still young. I've told Andrés on more than one occassion that I don't want to have kids beyond 35. (Note: There is nothing wrong with having children beyond 35.) Between my desire to one day have a career I can be proud of and my research that indicates that women over 35 are far more likely to conceive multiples, I always knew that I wanted to have whatever children we wanted while we were still young and foolish.

Sometimes I think of myself as a teen mom. I'm not, but I feel so young in this era of older moms. Andrés and I were the youngest people at our childbirth class and I never saw women at my OB's office younger than me unless they were unwed moms.

This entry is turning into simply a brain dump.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe I was wrong. The downside to marrying your college sweetheart is that you are both just starting out. Neither of you is "established." Unfortunately, neither Andrés nor I majored in anything beneficial if your goal is to be financially stable with only a bachelor's degree. We had both assumed we'd go to graduate school, after which our degrees might actually mean something.

I have two regrets that hang over my head daily. I wish we were in a better place financially. And I wish I were staying home with Alli. Mutually exclusive and, if I'm honest with myself, I can't repair either of them without actually doing harm to the current state of the other.

I've been thinking about going back to work full-time. My heart breaks every time I consider it.

I feel like if I went back to work now, I could put us into a better position when and if another baby comes along. But am I really willing to sacrifice staying home with Alli simply so that the next hypothetical child can have a full-time mom?

Some days, I kind of wish we waited longer. I know there would never have been a "right time" to have a baby. And I love my daughter. I just don't know how to get out of this rut.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 08:30 AM | Comments (7)

I've lately found myself irritated with moms who exclusively breastfeed. I will be the first to admit that this out of pure jealousy. I'm truly upset that Alliclaus has never been exclusively breastfed, but oh well. These are the jokes.

Most of the time, I know that my reaction is out of jealousy. But sometimes, I truly feel like I am being judged.

Yesterday, I went to playgroup at Cagey's, for which Alliclaus is really too young, but I don't care because I needed it! It was great!

Her playgroup is comprised mostly of moms who were in a breastfeeding support group together. So, needless to say, they all breastfeed. And while their children are now all on solids, they were all, at one time or another, exclusively breastfed. Some of them had to use formula in the beginning. But they all made it through to the other side and threw those cans of powder away.

La de frickin' da for them. (Green-eyed monster ahead!)

I know that I put my best effort into breastfeeding. And the people in my life who know me best would vouch for that. For seven weeks, my daughter wanted nothing to do with the breast. It was heartbreaking. When we finally got down to just four ounces of formula a day, I was elated. I knew that in just a few weeks, we would be able to get rid of the formula for good. Then came the doctor's visit where Alliclaus gained only five ounces in a month. The doctor and I made the decision to add more formula. I knew there wasn't going to be any cutting back from then on. Truth be told, I'm okay with it now. I know that I do what's best for my child. Formula isn't poison. And she still gets eight to nine feedings a day at the breast. I didn't give up. I simply compromised.

Sometimes, the breastfeeders assume that since I give her formula, I've stopped breastfeeding altogether. Why would they assume that? Do they stop breastfeeding when they start solids? Why would I be any different?

I guess what's hardest is knowing that I probably would have been a bit judgmental of my situation were I not the one living it. I had every expectation that not a drop of formula would ever pass my daughter's lips. I thought moms that said they did both were really only going to breastfeed for a few weeks until convenience got the best of them.

And yet here I am. The mom who fully expects to breastfeed well past the first birthday and also gives her daughter formula.

Yesterday's group was mostly okay. There was one parent who was appalled when I said that we gave Alliclaus a bottle before she figured out breastfeeding. But really? Two ounces of formula at a time is a freakin' lot to feed a baby through a tube.

I don't even really know why I'm writing this. I guess I just need to get it out of my brain. It's been hard lately feeling like I'm on the outside of the breastfeeding circle when I continue to try so hard to make it work.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 09:04 AM | Comments (11)

Andi Pandi made a good point. (Are you reading her yet? You should. She's having a baybee!) She came here to Kansas City and wanted to meet up with me. I didn't call. After I said I would. Am bad person.

What I want to say is that I was hugely pregnant (this was right before I was put on bedrest), was still having morning sickness and was exhausted. My blood pressure was high. I came home from work the day we were supposed to meet, threw up and went to bed.

I knew she would hate me forever. But then her email to me indicated that she wouldn't have been able to meet. She was stuck on the other side of town after a hard day and while taking care of her mom.

Whew, I thought. I felt awful about not calling and this really eased my mind. She is definitely a better person than I.

Her comment on the last post made me think. Am I simply lonely because I am a bitch? Well, possibly, but I don't think so. I do think that it's my fault, though. The same way I didn't reach out to Andi while she was here, I also don't reach out to people at church or at work to make social connections.

Why don't I? I'm not really sure. I've always had this problem. I want to have friends. I want to have a social life. But I'm painfully shy.

I need to work on this. I'm not really sure how at this point. But Andi's comment made me realize that I ought to be honest about my loneliness. I'm not a social outcast, I simply unintentionally distance myself from other people.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 05:07 AM | Comments (8)

So, I've not written a whole lot about religion on my blog, mostly because I try to keep it light and humorous and my opinions on the topic of religion are neither. Well, sometimes they're humorous. (Like this one time, when Sarah and I went to see The Da Vinci Code and there was a girl outside holding a "I love Jesus and he is my Savior" or something sign, we thought we should go home and get a sign that said: "Mary Magdalene: Baby Mama Drama.")

However, lately, I've been really divided between two positions that both seem really important to me. They both are backed up by my religious understanding and, unfortunately they are, to a degree, mutually exclusive.

I've always said that I would NEVER have more than two children. I believe firmly in zero population growth. It could be said that this is not a religious opinion, since I'm really just a tree-hugger and probably a communist. This could be true. However, I also believe that as a Christian one of my greatest responsibilities is stewardship of the earth. Continuing the population explosion hardly seems the responsible thing to do.

Now, I'm faced with another position. Oh, birth control, I am divided in my feelings about you. While I certainly think that everyone should have a choice (EVERY choice) about when to have children, I truthfully believe that sexuality can only be holy when a couple is married and there is a possibility that God can create the miracle of a child through the union. (This does NOT, however, mean that I lived that position in my younger days. I did not. I'm calling myself a hypocrite here; please feel free to think it about me but refrain from leaving it in my comments.) Otherwise, I believe that sexuality has been perverted from God's purpose.

I was talking to Andiclaus about this last night and he pointed out that if God can create life from a virgin (which I hardly think is a fair statement - seeing as I am crazy liberal and am not sure this is true), couldn't God create a child in spite of birth control measures. Certainly. But am I attempting to thwart God by taking those measures?

Wow. I am a religious FUH-REAK.

Clearly, these are opposite positions. And I'm certainly not taking a vote of the Internet to decide my stance on birth control. I'm just talking it out now to see if the pieces fall together.

I think I'm going to close comments on this post. I'm already a baby-starver, according to the Internet, I don't even want to know what kind of names y'all might call me on this one. If you really want to talk about it (and I'm sure you're just DYING to), email me at bethiclaus[at]gmail.com.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 09:17 AM

Real life. It appears that it has arrived.

For the last nine weeks, we Clauses have rarely been alone. My mom was here for seven weeks, followed by the road trip to San Diego, our trip to Chicago to see Auntie Sarah graduate (post to arrive soon) and one week with Andiclaus' mom.

He took her to the airport last night. And now it's just the three of us. I am so thankful for all the help we've gotten with Alliclaus. I'm an only child with no cousins who grew up near me. I don't know that I had ever changed a diaper in my life. And I'm not really fond of children. The help we got with Alliclaus may have saved her life. It definitely saved my sanity.

But it is so good to be just us. For Andiclaus and I to trust our own knowledge about our daughter and what is best for her.

I can't believe how much I love her. I'm not a squishy person (emotionally - physically, that may be the best description). I'm still really selfish. I will gladly let someone else hold Alliclaus so that I can get a few more minutes in reading your blogs.

But when she and I are together, when I'm feeding her or we're cuddling in bed, I wouldn't be anywhere else.

June 6, I go back to work. It's only part-time, and Andiclaus will be with her while I'm gone, but it's heartbreaking. I'm actually looking forward to the adult interaction and the feeling of accomplishment I get from working. I just can't believe they don't want Alliclaus there with me.

She wants to be picked up right now. I'm glad to oblige.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 08:14 AM | Comments (6)

So today, on the way home from work, I noticed that I am, quite possibly, the shittiest driver on the road.

Normally, I think I am a pretty good driver. Not the bomb, but certainly a safe driver. Today, I almost rear-ended somebody twice. The same somebody. I didn't get the message the first time?

I could have gone years and never had to face the fact that I might be dangerous behind the wheel. But instead, it became abundantly clear to me in just one thirty-minute trip home.

I'm kind of sad about it. But not sad enough to work on my driving.

Posted by Bethiclaus at 03:40 PM | Comments (1)