I had intended to write this post on Thursday, but when it came time to sit down and write it, I was too afraid to articulate how I'm feeling.

Sometime during high school, I got my obsessive-compulsive disorder under control. At the time, I used an anxiety medication to treat it. When I stopped taking the medication a couple years later, I suffered only mild withdrawal symptoms and a manageable recurrence of the OCD behaviors that had made high school so difficult for me.

When I was pregnant with Alliclaus, I think I saw some increase in symptoms, but I don't remember it being like this. I'm finding my compulsions debilitating. And I have a lot more on my plate this time around. I dropped my classes around this time in my last pregnancy. I worked 20 hours a week and Andiclaus and I were able to work at the same time. There wasn't a sweet-but-demanding 18-month old to take care of. It just seems like it was a lot easier.

When people hear "obsessive-compulsive disorder," I think they probably imagine immaculately clean homes where everything is meticulously organized. I wish. (I don't want to make light of people whose OCD manifest in these ways. I'm sure it has its own host of problems.) The two main ways my OCD shows up are listing and counting. This makes something like Google Reader dangerous for me. I find it near impossible to log off until all the posts are read. It seems absurd. Just close the computer, Beth. And I know that's what I need to do. But when I try, I can't focus for the rest of the day. I'll constantly be thinking about when I can go back and finish reading. It's not just blogs, either. It could be a list of recipes I want to try, or an archive of Alliclaus' books. It doesn't matter what it is, I will find it impossible to focus until I believe I've "finished" it.

School is really difficult for me right now. I took a demanding Summer School class during first trimester and now I'm questioning my ability to complete the work while trying to stay caught up in my current classes. I can't present my thesis without at least a 3.5 grade point average, so I can't afford to try to just coast through this semester. I have one very demanding course and both my classes require diligent attendance.

To further complicate the situation, Andiclaus is working toward an upcoming promotion and is thus required to attend a bunch of meetings that are all occurring on my one school day per week. We've been handling it on a case-by-case basis, but trying to find someone to watch Alliclaus is stressing me out.

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I quit writing this post a few minutes ago and put together a plan for dealing with my school stresses. I have a lot of questions that will have to be answered before I can know that this plan will work, but I feel a little bit better already. If I can create a less demanding situation for myself this semester, I think I might be able to make it through January without having to resort to medication.

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I wrote this post on Saturday, but didn't post it. I'm always hesitant to post about The Crazy on the Internet. When I re-read it this morning, I realized that it might seem that I think taking psychiatric medication is bad. I don't. My personal experience with Alliclaus, though, causes me to question the wisdom of taking it while pregnant and breastfeeding. I did it with Alliclaus and will do it again if necessary, but I'm going to try every other avenue first.