I think a lot about infertility (which is probably somewhat ridiculous, all things considered). Once upon a time, I mostly knew infertility only through the Internet. It has, in recent years, come much closer to home. More than a couple of my nearest and dearest have fought mightily for a child sharing their genetic material. And I know how much it means to them.

For that reason, I've struggled to talk about my parenting experiences of late or my ambivalence toward this pregnancy. I know that I should be grateful to have Alliclaus (even if she continues to test me in new horrible ways everyday) and that this pregnancy is equally a miracle and a blessing. And I (try to) understand how difficult it must be to hear someone bitch and moan about something you so desperately want for yourself.

Andrés and I spent a couple hours talking last night and this morning about how we're feeling about everything. (We were discussing our feeeeeelinnngs.) It's easy to feel discouraged by our situation these days. Finances are tight, we don't get to spend much time together and it seems like an awful time to have another baby. But, as Andrés pointed out, this is really what we've always wanted. And, in spite of the inconveniences associated, it's time to be thankful.

So, I've decided to open a place in my heart for thankfulness. Truthfully, I don't feel it yet. But if I have room there for anxiety and frustration, worry and fear, I can make room for thankfulness as well. There's a space for it - now I'll wait for it to come.

I just hope it hurries.