It's hard for me to believe that it's been a year since Alliclaus came home with us. I can't really remember much about what life was like before her, but she still seems so new to life.

The first few months after Alliclaus was born are mostly a blur. I was on quite a bit of pain medication and, though Alliclaus slept through the night on her second night home, I had quite a few sleepless nights worrying about breastfeeding.

When I look back at my posts from this period, it's strange to me how vague I sound. I think I must have been afraid to write down how I was really feeling.

Alliclaus rejected the breast completely. Pumping was pointless for me, since I never produced a significant amount of milk for the pump. I was taking herbal and pharmaceutical medications to increase my supply, but it didn't seem to be helping.

In an attempt to increase my supply, we were waking Alliclaus every two hours to breastfeed. Breastfeeding was taking at least 45 minutes, most of which was spent trying to keep Alliclaus awake. In the hour and fifteen minutes between feedings, I would pump, wash the pump gear and try to mentally prepare myself for the next attempt.

I began to dread the next feeding and would cry all day. My mom would hold Alliclaus because I couldn't do it. Everyone told me I was suffering with postpartum depression, but I couldn't see it.

Truth be told, I'm still not entirely sure that it's fair to call it PPD. I was upset about something real (the feeding of my newborn), not simply hormonal and sad.

Look! Denial! Awesome!

One day, we gave up. I wasn't going to do it anymore. I stopped pumping that afternoon. We gave Alliclaus formula the rest of the day.

The next morning, I regretted the whole thing. (Oh! The deception of a rested mind!) I knew that if I tried one more time, I could make it work.

As if Alliclaus knew it was last call, she decided to go for it. We didn't have any more rejection after that, but I never really had enough milk for her to grow.

So for a year, we've been combining breastfeeding with formula. And then, literally overnight, the bottles and formula were gone. There are straw sippies and whole milk taking their place. And Alliclaus is eating all the same foods we are.

It's freeing, really. And it forces me to make healthier choices for myself. I expected to feel sad about these moves toward independence. And I would be lying if I said I'm nothing but ecstatic. It's a little sad that she's growing up. But mostly I'm excited.

Every day, I know her better than I did the day before. And who wouldn't want to get to know this sweet girl?

Day 1

1 Week

1 Month

3 Months

6 Months

9 Months

1 Year